Since I was a child, I have always imagined my life like this, I have seen myself grow up and become an adult, achieve some success, fall and pick myself up stronger than before, just like the Disney heroines I was so fond of.
Until one day everything changed. That day I learnt that I was fragile, that I had limits, that part of what I had always imagined did not exist.
I had to begin all over again, I had to rediscover myself, face up to my insecurities and my greatest fears. I had to do it alone and I did not always succeed.
There have been and still are moments in which nothing seems clear to me, in which all I see seems confused, blurred, and undefined.
There are dark moments. There are happy moments.
There are moments in which running away seems to be the only solution to the silence that is upsetting me. Even though sometimes I am forced to face it and realize that I am stronger than I thought.
The last year has been strange, different. I have rediscovered what it means to be alone, not to have millions of activities that crowd my mind, not to have anything to keep me busy. I realized that I had been afraid of being like this for too long. But I have also rediscovered the simplest things: the birdsong, the extraordinariness of walking my dog, the silence. That deafening, paradoxical silence that has frightened everyone in the past months. That silence that makes me shudder sometimes, but that at the same time helped me to be able pay attention to the voice inside me, without fear.
I have rediscovered the how lucky I am to be young, free, healthy. Things that I too have often taken for granted.
I have understood how a smile from a stranger, a word of comfort, a hug, a chat with friends make me feel good. I have realized how much love crowds the heart of everyone, constantly; even though it is hard to admit. Because we always talk about love, in every possible form.
I close my eyes and breathe.
One day at a time.
Everything is going to be fine.
C.C.
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